(I am sorry if this entry seems kind of doom and gloom. I don’t mean it that way, it’s just been sitting here in my mind for a few weeks and I thought I would write on it)
I miss this.
I haven’t engaged in real ageplay in quite awhile. I haven’t felt like it. Truthfully, the past 12 months have been quite a ride for me. It’s hard for me to write about these kinds of things, but I suppose it’s just a part of my life that I can’t forever not acknowledge on here.
I’ve been struggling with severe depression and inner chaos for over a year now. I’m not the type of person who can let this sit in me forever. This phase has caused turmoil in my soul, my mind, my body and caused me to question nearly everything in my entire life. This is not the type of person I am. It doesn’t come naturally to me- struggling to smile; struggling to find a reason for my own existence. Although I am a fiercely competitive person which has always served me well in life, I truly enjoy happiness for the sake of happiness. I love to smile and to make others smile. I enjoy learning what makes others tick, and creating things that can help myself and others feel passion, love and excitement for life.
Ageplay exemplifies exactly what I do enjoy in life and that is truly why it has been so difficult for me to be little. When I am little, it is hard for me to be anything but carefree. I see the world from the eyes of someone very young. It’s fresh and exciting, but the whole world revolves around what is right then and there. It’s a special intimacy into my soul, particularly with my Daddy. When I am little, I am silly. I am sensitive. I am vulnerable. I do not worry or think about my adult life. I am trusting of my Daddy to take care of me, down to my most basic responsibilities of the moment, a sort of closeness that’s difficult to duplicate in any other capacity.
The demons in my mind that have tried to take hold of me fight so hard against this mindset. It’s difficult to feel little and feel control at the same time. It’s easier to try to push away the feeling than to fight. So I’ve gone without it, replicating it rarely for video.
But lately, these feelings come up and I haven’t been pushing them away. I am remembering why I love ageplay so much and why I consider it to be so emotionally fulfilling. I find myself immersed in ageplay type daydreams often. It is coming hand-in-hand with the feeling of my own self returning, from the little girl to the adult I am. With this, is the feeling of gratitude and thankfulness that I am back, my whole self as I once knew it. There is really no better feeling than that